Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
