He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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