You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
