Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
