I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
