I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
