Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
