gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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