Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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