I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
