I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All the doctor said was why
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
