We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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