I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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