checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
