I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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