dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
