i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
