There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
