I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You can't just leave with hair like that
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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