If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
