***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
