I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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