I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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