I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
