Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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