she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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