I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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