I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
