dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
