i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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