so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
