The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
