i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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