you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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