dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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