just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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