I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
