He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
