Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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