He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
