Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Randomize
