90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
