Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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