I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
