Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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