My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
