she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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