Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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