ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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