You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
