dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
