the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she told me i tasted like america
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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